Mr. Craven, The Yorkshire Homeowners’ Association Has A Few Complaints About Your “Secret Garden”


Dear Mr. Craven,

The Yorkshire Homeowners’ Association respects your desire to keep your back garden a “secret”, as you refer to it. Unfortunately, your rear yard is on a slope. Among a host of other issues, we can all see when you haven’t been pruning.

We’ve also had concerns regarding unsupervised children going there at all hours. Please be advised that this does not qualify as a registered landscaping service per HOA regulations. Also please notify said personnel, identified as Mary, Dickon and Colin, that the happy, carefree laughter of childhood is a violation of the community noise ordinance.

Please note that your “secret” garden’s other landscaper, one Ben Weatherstaff, is also not part of any HOA-contracted landscaping services, and uses a ladder for entry that is not OSHA-approved. He also does not appear to be familiar with the complete HOA Landscaping Rules. We acknowledge that your late wife, with her dying breath, entreated him to “look after my roses, Ben,” but she really ought to have clearly specified that they need to be trimmed to within 24 inches of the walls and borders to the walkway.

We’ve also had reports that the garden’s lush green carpet of grassy lawn, while emblematic of the restorative power of Nature and youth, is not being mowed weekly to the stipulated ½-inch length. Also, it is not drought-resistant. Consider replacing it with a more suitable cover, such as bark.

Moreover, the aforementioned roses and the hollyhocks, though they reportedly dance vibrantly in the bracing air of a Yorkshire spring morning, do not comply with the community’s approved color scheme. Consider perhaps a lovely border of scrub brush instead. Or maybe cacti.

Finally, please note that your frequent travels away from home could be construed as absentee ownership. If the sights and sounds of joyous childhood fail to recall you to your domestic responsibilities, perhaps a citation might. Should you fail to address the above issues in a timely manner, the HOA reserves the right to make any and all necessary alterations at the homeowner’s expense. We suggest you comply with all speed before we are obligated to present you a bill for having turned your late wife’s beloved flower garden into a community parking lot.

We look forward to hearing from you shortly.


The Yorkshire Homeowners’ Association

Image Source / Public Domain


How To Be A Lady: Matilda of England and the Perilous Risks of Fashion


A lady must be confident enough in her style choices to take a few risks, such as wearing white fabrics out of season while also escaping from a besieged castle.

Matilda of England was a lady as much admired for her literacy in Latin as for her personal embodiment of “her father’s courage and her mother’s piety”, as William of Malmesbury put it. Less well known, perhaps, was her daring sense of fashion, and how her audacious style eventually paved the way to the throne.

In December 1142, she and her cousin Stephen were once again tussling over the English crown, and Matilda’s cards were momentarily down. She and her small retinue were besieged at Oxford Castle by Stephen’s forces. Her one hope of winning a way out through military strength, her half-brother Robert of Gloucester, was then in Normandy assisting Matilda’s husband with his conquest there. Overall, the situation looked bleak.

Until Matilda’s dauntless sense of style came into play.

Even though it was nearly Christmas (and thus well out of season for the color), Matilda adorned herself and her guards in white cloaks for an evening sojourn. In perfect silence, they slipped through a side door in the castle and walked out into the mounting snow. It was there that her sartorial brilliance finally found its runway: the whiteness of the travelers’ clothing blended seamlessly with the heavy snowfall, rendering them nearly invisible in the fading light.

It was a high-concept approach to couture that even Anna Wintour would have envied.

Thus attired, they snuck past the watch Stephen had set and headed out into the country. They then tramped seven miles over the frozen River Isis and across open fields to the town of Abingdon, where they acquired horses and rode to safety at Wallingford Castle.

And once safe at Wallingford, Matilda could continue the struggle that would eventually lead to the throne. Though in the end, it would be for her son rather than for herself that she would win it.

Thus a lady must sometimes take calculated risks with her fashion choices, in the hopes of bringing her long-sought career goals to fruition.

Further Reading

Image Source / Public Domain

How To Be A Lady: Odette de Pougy and the Inviolable Sanctity of Homeownership


A lady blessed with a religious calling must render unto God what is God’s, but she is free to render nothing unto upstart popes with a tenuous grasp of property rights.

Little is known of Odette de Pougy, medieval abbess of Notre Dame aux Nonains in Troyes, France, though a lack of personal details wasn’t enough to keep her out of the history books. Like most nuns of the era she was probably of the nobility, and as abbess she would have been in the company of some of the most respected female intellectuals of the Middle Ages. She is best remembered, however, for her utter intransigence in refusing to give up a portion of her abbey’s property for someone else’s pet project — even if that someone were the pope.

This will surprise absolutely no one who has ever worked with nuns.

In 1266 Pope Urban IV, the son of a shoemaker from Troyes, wanted to build a church on the site of his father’s former shop. Unfortunately for him, the prospective location was on the property of Notre Dame aux Nonains, so Odette refused.

The medieval Church, it seems, had been steadily chipping away at its nuns’ authority over the centuries. Where once the continent had been dotted with independent abbeys that women could lead, most of the nuns’ houses founded in the later Middle Ages were priories instead, and therefore of lower rank and under the jurisdiction of a male abbot. Abbesses, in one of the few women’s roles that granted actual influence, were becoming an endangered species.

In light of this, Odette could perhaps be forgiven her insistence on preserving this last remaining bit of dominion over her own house.

When the pope decided to begin construction anyway, Odette charged forth at the head of a group of armed men, chased off the builders and flattened the church-in-progress. When he persisted, she led a second assault two years later that drove the infuriated pontiff to excommunicate the entire convent.

Undeterred, Odette held her ground on the issue for the rest of her life. As a result, the church of St. Urbain wasn’t built until after her death; almost literally (as abbesses were often buried on their church grounds) over her dead body.

Thus a lady with a religious calling should remember that while in matters of theology she must submit to a higher authority, in more temporal concerns she is free to use her own discretion.

Also, it is generally advisable for ladies and gentlemen alike to show a little respect to their subordinates instead of eminent-domaining part of their house for your personal commemorative shrine.

Further Reading

Image Source / Public Domain

How To Be A Lady: Matilda of England and the Sisterhood of the Traveling Invasion Force


A lady who is struggling to advance her career will always discover that the key to success is to rely on her girlfriends.

Matilda of England had the distinction of being named the first “Lady of England” in 1141; in effect (if not in name), a queen regnant. She spoke Norman French but could also read Latin, and a contemporary account describes her as a “girl of noble character, distinguished and beautiful, who was held to bring glory and honor to…the English realm.”

In 1139, however, the crown intended for Matilda as the late king’s designated heir was still out of reach, having been snatched away by her cousin Stephen while she was stuck in Normandy. To press her claim, Matilda had gathered an escort of loyal supporters, led by her half-brother Robert of Gloucester, and they were headed for Gloucester’s stronghold at Bristol. But in order to reach it they needed to make landfall on English soil. The sea route to Bristol was too dangerous to sail directly, and their previous attempts to land elsewhere had been thwarted because the line of available ports was controlled by Stephen.

Even when one of Gloucester’s men tried to hold one of his own ports open long enough for Matilda to land, he was quickly crushed by Stephen’s navy and the port slammed shut.

Their prospects looked grim, until one of Matilda’s girlfriends stepped up.

As the second wife of the late king, Adeliza of Louvain was technically Matilda’s stepmother, but their girl-bonding ran much deeper than that. They were both of a similar age and they had a long-established friendship dating back at least fifteen years. Adeliza had a castle at one of the ports, but her new husband, William d’Aubigny, had already professed loyalty to Stephen, thus never causing the usurper a moment’s concern.

In hindsight, however, Stephen should have known that girlfriends never let each other down.

So one night Matilda and Gloucester made landfall at Adeliza’s port of Arundel. And Matilda slipped inside the castle for an evening of medieval chick flicks and cosmos and maybe a little battle strategy, while Gloucester and his knights (now traveling light) rode full-tilt and reached Bristol before Stephen could catch them.

Stephen was furious. But, unable to breach Bristol’s defenses and acutely conscious of the bad optics of besieging two poor helpless ladies at Arundel, he reluctantly allowed Matilda to rejoin Gloucester. And once inside Gloucester’s stronghold and surrounded by his army, Matilda could finally press the claim that would eventually make her “Lady of England.”

Thus a lady whose career progress has been frustrated by the men in her life will find that in her hour of greatest need, she can always count on her girlfriends.

Further Reading

Image Source / Public Domain

Queen Isabella of Castile: Warrior, Statesman, High School Cheerleading Captain


My friends, I stand before you ready to lead you on to this field of battle, at this our Regional Cheerleading Competition. That we shall be victorious is unquestionable, for was I not chosen by God Himself for this purpose? Was I not ordained by Our Most Divine Lord to unite our warring factions into one team, holy and indivisible, and to lead you forth against our enemies? It is true, we have had our setbacks — our sprained ankles and torn ligaments, our dropped poms and wobbling stunts, our grade-of-execution point deductions. But we have persevered, even through the darkest of our suffering, and now the hour of our glory is at hand.

So let us go forth now, and trample our enemies into dust. Yea, we are sure to triumph even over the defending champions, the West Park Wolverines. Let us keep our tumbling passes clean, our extensions solid, and everything tight and sharp. For know, my friends, that I was chosen by God to lead you, united as one in divine purpose and in synchronized dance routines. So expel now any of your lingering doubts, and let us raise our hearts and voices in unison, that our enemies may hear and cower before us in fear:


Image Source / Public Domain

Literary Shelter Pets: The Black Stallion


This spirited black racehorse up for adoption stands 17 hands and broke the track records for the Preakness, the Belmont and the Indy 500. Whether you’re looking for a weekend pacer or an off-the-books racer, this could be the horse for you!

Interested parties should be experienced in handling a horse of this speed and power or, failing that, a bullet train. After winning his last race he kept going past the finish line, over the outside fence and through the back wall of the stables. When they finally caught him he was closing in on the southern border — of Paraguay. Riders must also be familiar with the proper technique for when he hits Mach 1.

Potential buyers should be aware that this horse is quite a fighter. He’s known for attacking and stomping all over snakes, unauthorized intruders, record times and your suspension of disbelief. However, got a spider in your bedroom? Bring him on in! It’s also worth noting that he’s still a bit savage and has never been completely tamed; at his last shoeing, he ripped the hot iron away from the farrier and gave himself a prison brand. He is up to date on all shots and Coggins-negative, but for safety reasons he should still be pastured solo — diseases won’t get to another horse, but he will. His team of handlers may be required to include a trainer, a jockey and most of Delta Force.

If interested, please call for an appointment.

Image Source / CC-Deathfly-2011

Literary Shelter Pets: White Fang


This solitary young wolfdog up for adoption has an untamed strain of The Wild in him, but don’t let that deter you suburbanites! He’s completely at home whether he’s in the Yukon or on your street. You’ll fall in love with all his endearing little touches of wildness: that impenetrable gray and white fur, those blue eyes cold as the morning chill on the frozen tundra, that fanged grin as white and frosty as a precipice of ice. Clearly this is the ideal family pet!

You’ll also find this pup’s a working dog who’ll be a great help around the house. He’ll put his sled dog experience to use pulling anything from a Radio Flyer to a Renegade. Kid wants a tow around the park? Hitch him up! Truck’s broken down again? Hook this boy into the traces and in no time at all you’re doing 90 down the interstate. Mush!

Got nothing that needs pulling right now? He can figure out other ways to help. One of the sharpest dogs we’ve ever seen! Soon you’ll find him happily fetching your slippers, your newspaper, or your neighbor’s credit card info. Or watch him run a Nigerian email scam! Just make sure he gives you a cut.

This puppy comes with all required shots, rabies and deworming treatment. Neuter at your own risk. We’re asking $400 to cover adoption expenses. We’ll take it however you prefer: cash, check, or solid gold nuggets (24k only please).

Image Source / CC-Max Goldberg-2015

How To Be A Lady: Eleanor of Leicester and the Benefits of Legal Decorum


A lady should never allow a dispute to descend into a shouting match, though she may elevate one into an international crisis if necessary.

Eleanor of Leicester, sister of King Henry III of England and daughter of the late King John, was one of the greatest ladies of the thirteenth century. She was even honored in a ballad that praised her fair skin, her golden locks and her many feminine virtues, though oddly it left out her litigiousness.

In 1231 Eleanor was sixteen, in the full flower of her youth and newly widowed. Her late husband, William Marshal, had owned lands across the British Isles, and as his widow Eleanor was entitled to one-third of them for her lifetime. But William’s eldest brother Richard was also entitled to inherit, and in the ensuing legal tussle he tried to waltz off with her dowry lands as well as the furniture William had left her.

To end the spat, King Henry finally accepted payment for the lands on Eleanor’s behalf, but Eleanor felt the amount offered was far too low. She wasn’t finished yet.

Fast-forward to 1257 — King Henry sought a treaty with France, whereby he would accept payment in exchange for giving up historical claims to French lands (Seems there were a lot of real estate deals trending among the nobility at the time. Like fancy pointed cone hats, or dysentery). Eleanor, as his sibling and fellow claimant, would need to agree to the exchange. And she didn’t miss her chance.

Eleanor suddenly recalled that other long-buried real estate deal she was never happy with, and flatly refused to sign.

The treaty negotiations continued for two years.

Finally, King Henry dangled a bribe of ten manors in front of Eleanor and pleaded, “Now will you sign?”

Eleanor graciously acquiesced.

And then insisted that 15,000 marks of the French payment to Henry be held in escrow, until the Marshal case was resolved to her satisfaction.

(The Marshal case wasn’t concluded until after the king’s death in 1272, when Eleanor was in her fifties. Must have made an excellent pension plan.)

Thus, it is worth remembering that in every dispute, a lady should always maintain a pleasant and courteous demeanor. Even while stonewalling an international treaty to get what she wants.

Further Reading

Image Source / CC-PD-Mark

How To Be A Lady: Blanche of Castile and the Importance of Liquid Assets


A lady who finds herself occasionally short of funds should always keep assets on hand that she can sell off in a pinch — including her offspring.

Consider the case of Blanche of Castile, wife of the French prince Louis VIII and soon-to-be queen consort of France in the early thirteenth century. Like most couples who face frequent long-distance business travel, Prince Louis went off to England to lead a baronial uprising against Blanche’s uncle, King John, while Blanche and her two sons tended the home fires back in Paris. When Louis called for additional financial support, Blanche decided to petition her father-in-law, King Philip Augustus, on Louis’ behalf. But the result was not what she had expected.

Whatever the reason, whether his investment returns were a little low that month or the recent sale of a castle or two hadn’t brought as much as expected, Philip Augustus refused.

Point blank.

So Blanche, unwilling to mow the neighbors’ lawns or maison-sit while they were Christmasing in the Alps, started casting about for something she could sell. And realized, like a princess in a fairy tale, that her most valuable possessions came from within.

“By the Blessed Mother of God,” she said to the king. “ I have fair children by my lord; I will pawn them and see what I can raise on them.”

Faced with the prospect of the future king of France and the future Duke of Artois being handed over for cash like Grandpa’s old hauberk, Philip Augustus relented. Those pawnshop loans are only good for the short term anyway.

So, thanks to Blanche’s quick thinking, Prince Louis got his support. Blanche even got to keep her children. And therein lies a valuable lesson about good financial management and the importance of always having assets that can be liquidated in a hurry. Even if they are your progeny.

Further Reading

Image Source / CC-PD-Mark