Mr. Craven, The Yorkshire Homeowners’ Association Has A Few Complaints About Your “Secret Garden”


Dear Mr. Craven,

The Yorkshire Homeowners’ Association respects your desire to keep your back garden a “secret”, as you refer to it. Unfortunately, your rear yard is on a slope. Among a host of other issues, we can all see when you haven’t been pruning.

We’ve also had concerns regarding unsupervised children going there at all hours. Please be advised that this does not qualify as a registered landscaping service per HOA regulations. Also please notify said personnel, identified as Mary, Dickon and Colin, that the happy, carefree laughter of childhood is a violation of the community noise ordinance.

Please note that your “secret” garden’s other landscaper, one Ben Weatherstaff, is also not part of any HOA-contracted landscaping services, and uses a ladder for entry that is not OSHA-approved. He also does not appear to be familiar with the complete HOA Landscaping Rules. We acknowledge that your late wife, with her dying breath, entreated him to “look after my roses, Ben,” but she really ought to have clearly specified that they need to be trimmed to within 24 inches of the walls and borders to the walkway.

We’ve also had reports that the garden’s lush green carpet of grassy lawn, while emblematic of the restorative power of Nature and youth, is not being mowed weekly to the stipulated ½-inch length. Also, it is not drought-resistant. Consider replacing it with a more suitable cover, such as bark.

Moreover, the aforementioned roses and the hollyhocks, though they reportedly dance vibrantly in the bracing air of a Yorkshire spring morning, do not comply with the community’s approved color scheme. Consider perhaps a lovely border of scrub brush instead. Or maybe cacti.

Finally, please note that your frequent travels away from home could be construed as absentee ownership. If the sights and sounds of joyous childhood fail to recall you to your domestic responsibilities, perhaps a citation might. Should you fail to address the above issues in a timely manner, the HOA reserves the right to make any and all necessary alterations at the homeowner’s expense. We suggest you comply with all speed before we are obligated to present you a bill for having turned your late wife’s beloved flower garden into a community parking lot.

We look forward to hearing from you shortly.


The Yorkshire Homeowners’ Association

Image Source / Public Domain


Queen Isabella of Castile: Warrior, Statesman, High School Cheerleading Captain


My friends, I stand before you ready to lead you on to this field of battle, at this our Regional Cheerleading Competition. That we shall be victorious is unquestionable, for was I not chosen by God Himself for this purpose? Was I not ordained by Our Most Divine Lord to unite our warring factions into one team, holy and indivisible, and to lead you forth against our enemies? It is true, we have had our setbacks — our sprained ankles and torn ligaments, our dropped poms and wobbling stunts, our grade-of-execution point deductions. But we have persevered, even through the darkest of our suffering, and now the hour of our glory is at hand.

So let us go forth now, and trample our enemies into dust. Yea, we are sure to triumph even over the defending champions, the West Park Wolverines. Let us keep our tumbling passes clean, our extensions solid, and everything tight and sharp. For know, my friends, that I was chosen by God to lead you, united as one in divine purpose and in synchronized dance routines. So expel now any of your lingering doubts, and let us raise our hearts and voices in unison, that our enemies may hear and cower before us in fear:


Image Source / Public Domain